Megan

I'm the writer of the comment that has you steaming. Maybe I can rephrase my comments to be more constructive. I'm taking the time to write because I admire your intelligence, candor, and desire to make your marriage work. I hope that you and your husband can avoid (or correct) the mistakes my wife and I (and many of our friends) have made.

The primary point is that you have some control over what happens. Whether you change your schedule, or get counseling to deal with your anger and resentment, there are choices you can make to improve things. Focusing on things you can't control (what your spouse is doing or failing to do) leaves you powerless and frustrated. Identifying and acting on things you can control (your attitudes and behaviors) is empowering and productive.

Even a healthy marriage is hard to maintain when both spouses have demanding, stressful jobs and preschoolers to care for. A marriage on the rocks simply won't survive such a situation. It seems clear that one of you needs to stop working for a while to gain the time and energy necessary to work on your personal and marital issues. Which one takes a break should be based on what is best for the family in the long term. It's also critical that the sacrifice made by the stay-at-home spouse be recognized and honored by the other.

If one spouse has a "traditional" job (and would face the loss of seniority/vacation/medical insurance/pension) and one is self-employed, it's pretty much a no-brainer to advise the self-employed spouse (regardless of gender or occupation) to take a break. Would I advise a male doctor or office worker on the verge of divorce to take time off to attend to his marriage? Sure. Certainly to cut their work hours to the minimum if they were the primary breadwinner, and quit altogether if theirs was a second income and their work hours/habits often cut into "family time" or left them exhausted. I'd also advise them to alter their lifestyle as necessary to live on one income for a while. When you consider the emotional and financial costs of divorce, it's well worthwhile.

You titled one of your blogs "Not Enough of Me To Go Around. Last in line? My husband". In all the successful marriages I know of, each spouse is the first priority in the other's life. In all the failed marriages something else (kids, career, friends, money) is #1. Putting your spouse first/last in line is a choice that you make. It does not mean being a doormat or catering to his/her every whim. It means that when you allocate your time, attention, energy and love, your spouse comes first, and that he/she knows that with certainty. It means sacrificing time with work, friends and activities that are gratifying and enjoyable. It means recognizing that you are going to get what you give in the long term (assuming he/she is not an addict or sociopath), and if you want to be #1 to your spouse you need to make him/her #1 in your life. If you just can't see a way for your spouse to be #1 then you owe it to him and yourself to move on.

It sounds as though you are headed to divorce, and maybe that's for the best. You are very fortunate to have a detailed record of your experiences and emotions to reflect on and learn from down the road.

jeffb