I said yes to doing stand-up comedy in NYC Sunday night.

Here I go again terrorizing myself. Why?Why?Why? I won't sleep till it's over. I know my friends think I'm funny, but a packed room of strangers? Once again, I obviously need to prove it's never too late to risk anything — even my reputation.

My producer Mark Goldman made me do this 3 years ago when I was a stand-up virgin. I was freaking out until I got up to the mike and heard the first laugh from the crowd. Then they couldn't get me off the stage.

Some say if I hadn't gone on for 3 weeks I might have won the darn thing. I was disqualified for going past the five-minute window, They flash a red light to get off. I never saw it, just heard the laughs from the crowd and kept rolling.

They had to call the comedy police to get me off.

On Sunday, I will try again, representing FirstWivesWorld.com in the 3rd Annual New York's Funniest Reporter Show and I am one of nine brave souls in a stand-up comedy competition that raises money for Operation Uplink, a unique program that keeps military personnel and hospitalized veterans in touch with their families and loved ones by providing them with free phone cards.

Who am I not to risk my reputation for people who are risking their lives for me?

If you are in NYC, it's at the Gotham Comedy Club starting at 8:30pm.

The event PR is being run by the fabulous Ryan McCormick. The cost is $15.00 and a two-drink minimum. Personally, I may need a couple more before I get up there. Call 212 -367-9000 to see if there are any reservations left. My Ithaca College roommates who spit out their coffee when they heard, may already have bought them all.

Wish Me Luck!

Good Lord, how long does this last? The deadline I gave my husband to move out was a year ago today. Last night, hours after receiving the latest update on the progress of our do-it-yourself divorce, he asked, once again, if I was still set on it.

Arrgggh.

What has happened, what has he done in the past year, that would incline me to want to reconcile, I wondered indignantly. My roommate pointed out that a year is a long time to stay married to someone you don't want to be married to any more. 

Oh. Well.

There are a number of reasons for that, most of them coming down to money. But since our electronic exchange last night, I've been so sad — for Ed, for myself, over our failed marriage.

And I've had to hash it out again — go once more through the reasons why I want this divorce. My husband, who thank God is sober now, has had sober spells before. Each was followed by a drinking bout that was worse than the one preceding it.

So 14 months ago, I decided I'd had enough. I had warned him months before. But he got drunk and stayed drunk and he had to go.

We had a couple of other issues, too...struggles over money and honesty and communication. So it's not like there's any need for doubt about whether to end this marriage.

Still...how long is this going to go on? When — if ever — will I finally accept my decision to divorce Ed?

That's like asking, How do you mend a broken heart?

"I chose to be a workaholic to support my family. Then she chose not to be my family because I was a workaholic."

This was one of the postcards on PostSecret recently. The fact that I'm wondering if Jake sent it is unnerving. Don't I believe, haven't I always believed, that he was the one, really, that made this decision? That he was the one who didn't want me?

Jake and I don't really talk, and he's a little miffed that I won't be "friends" with him. In the middle of the summer, in the middle of the Cohabitation Experiment, in the middle of me trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time, I got an email from Jake saying that I should stop being mad at him. "It's not," he wrote, "like you were so great to be married to."

So, this made me think. All anyone knows is my side. All my friends with their righteous indignation, all those who excuse how difficult I make things, how panicky and skittish I am — it's not like any of them were there.

What if I am terrible to live with? What if I am ungrateful and unsupportive and demanding and all those things Jake used to say? What if I was, in the end, what made it fall apart?

What if any problems Mike and I had living together this summer were merely the real relationship-me manifesting itself?

As much as you tell yourself you're worth having, as much as your friends support you, as much as someone might love you — there's nothing scarier than wondering, secretly, if it wasn't really your fault after all, and if you'll just, eventually, end up ruining what you have now. 

Mama's time has come. From the hills of Hollywood to the halls of the White House, there are mamas in the limelight. Instead of simply acknowledging the fact that any accolades Mom receives are long overdue, why not join the growing boom of females who insist on everything from paid maternity leave to rock festivals that feature female entertainment?

I refuse to believe the current movement is a response to the 1950s stereotype that kept June Cleaver in the kitchen with her lipstick on. And I keep hoping the momentum is bigger than an angry backlash of feminists who refuse to make room for softer, gentler versions of themselves. 

Most of all, I pray that while the idea of "family values" is of great concern to many of us, those values are not determined by a right-wing government.

We want different things. The point is, for the first time in many years, we are mobilizing to want something. The common thread between us is that we are reaching out to redefine what it is to be a modern mother.

For the first time in (her)story, we are single mothers, rocker mothers, soccer mothers, alpha moms, hot moms, and intellectuals, all taking on new work, new life definitions.

I am totally psyched to see a dialogue begin and, the sensationalistic Mommy wars aside, the truth is that we can all get along.

I started out as a mother and a wife replicating what I had witnessed growing up in middle-America. When my children were born in New York City from 1989 to 1994, there was a dawning of a new consciousness: a network of midwife-assisted births, natural parenting magazines, and higher consciousness baby groups.

Maybe it's too soon to tell ... and I hope I'm not jinxing things by mentioning it here ... but perhaps Edgar, my soon to be ex, and I can have a polite relationship.

We've included each other on the list of recipients for the political stories and jokes we've been emailing like crazy of late. My updates on efforts to move our divorce forward — by the way, have you noticed that you cannot get through to self help in family court by phone, because they don't answer the phone, so you have to go down there? — have not drawn the nasty responses I would've expected.

"I'd like to be friends with Ed one day," I said to my therapist, the Good Doctor. She fixed me with a dubious look. "I may not live that long, of course," I acknowledged.

My roommate, who has followed this divorce drama for about a year now, saw a friendly sort of email from my estranged husband the other day and suggested, "Maybe somebody has taken him aside and told him, ‘It's going to be okay.'"

I hope so.

One of my students mentioned that she and her ex-husband have a great relationship now; they're like best friends. When she said that I couldn't imagine it, but now I dare to hope for something similar.

I mean, Ed is still the only guy I ever married; I must have seen something in him, though I've spent the last many months concentrating on the irretrievable breakdown of our marriage.

Part of me still thinks that hoping for a good relationship with my soon-to-be-ex-husband is like believing in the Easter Bunny. But the rest of me believes it's okay to want that — as long as I don't hold my breath. 

All week I've been reading posts about the hardest of the hard stuff here. Women who face forfeiting financial security for themselves and for their children, lose health benefits and homes if they leave their marriages. Women who much decide: Is it more damaging to the kids to go, or to stay?

I don't envy any of us.

Sometimes I'm over opinionated, weigh in where I don't understand, in the way we can never understand the nuances and complexities of other people's situations. Breaking points or the circumstances that lead a woman to stay, or to go.

Today, I don't have anything to say. Not about my life, nor anyone else's.

Just empathy for the suffering.

May everyone reach greater peace, no matter how that looks. 

I went to an art gallery last night with some friends and was having a nice time looking around at all the paintings and sculptures. 

All the art was by local artists so there was nothing there that I can reference that you might recognize, but some of the pieces were pretty impressive while some of them were relatively forgettable.

I was by myself when I stumbled upon a painting that was a flower with a phrase scratched into the side. I don't know if this is a famous quote or something the painter came up with, but it said something to the effect of "There came a time when the strain of staying safely wrapped within the bulb was harder than letting go and blossoming." If I'm horribly misquoting your favorite quote then please forgive me, but it was something like that.

So here is this thing. There I am, standing at this painting with people walking past me and I want to cry. It just hits too close to home. I'm not saying

I'm some delicate flower, but the idea that sometimes we stay nestled within a confining situation because we're afraid to see what happens when the bloom occurs is all too familiar.

I quickly composed myself and returned to my friends, but I was mad. It was a lovely piece of art, but I hate how I am at a point in my life where a phrase scratched into a painting can reduce me to tears. 

I'm not usually the boo-hoo type, but lately it really doesn't seem to take much to hit me with something poignant that makes me get all self-reflective — and in some cases — a little weepy.

It would have been nice to have just been moved by the art instead of touched in such a raw way by it. I'm starting to wonder how much worse things will get before they improve.